Stronger

So I've been using this blog for awhile now, as a way for me to track my progress since the screaming, stopped. Now that I've reached the point in my life where I know I can handle it, I've decided to end my blog. For my last update, though, I thought I'd mention that I still don't have the courage to look at the memorial Web site Jack made for Cameron. The screaming, stopped doesn't bother me like it used to, but I am still sad, and I have realized that this will never go away. It's something that happened and I was involved. I can not change this, and I will never forget that night. This doesn't mean, however, that I need to live the rest of my life paranoid of driving or parties. I wish Cameron was still here, but through this all I've become a stronger person. I know I can handle what is thrown at me; I have learned that.

Waiting For Jack

It's been a few days since I heard Jack crying in the middle of the night. I told him today I think he should do therapy because it's really helped me. He said no, but I think that deep down he wants to. He just doesn't want to admit it. I can't do anything about that though, so I'm just going to have to wait and see.

PB&J

I woke up in the middle of the night last night after I heard Jack crying. I got out of bed and stepped out of my room to see my mom standing with her ear to Jack's door listening to him. We stood there together for a few minutes, listening. Then my mom lead me to the kitchen and she made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We sat there talking for a few minutes and for the first time in a long time I felt like I really connected with my mom, and it felt so nice.

We Have Courage. We Have Power.

It’s June now. I went to Ellen’s house today and ended up giving my sixth bouquet of roses to Jason. As it turned out, my dad’s allergies did start to act up and I’ve been giving the bouquets away for awhile now. I gave them to Jason today because he’s been really down every since he found out Sweatshirt cheated on him with a girl. Ellen can pretty much walk now, she’s certainly not limping as much as she used to. Ellen told me today that she knows I know she made a pass at Jason. She wouldn’t tell me how she found out I know, but I’m guessing Jason said something to her. When I got home from Ellen’s house my mom and dad were yelling at each other in the kitchen. They started counseling together and my dad hates it. Jack and I tried to get a word in about it, but dad just sent us to our rooms. Or tried at least. We didn’t listen; we went to watch TV instead.

Dating Seth

It’s Tuesday evening and I talked a lot about Seth with Frances today. She asked me what a boyfriend is. I didn’t know how to answer this without feeling stupid. After talking to her I realized what it was that made me so hesitant about dating Seth. I didn’t want to be responsible for his happiness. We talked about it for awhile and then I got uncomfortable and somehow we moved onto talking about my dad. I told Frances that I hated him, and it made me feel better. We used the EMDR and I remembered all the times he had been so nice and loving to Jack and I. It brought back peaceful memories, and even though I am still not happy with my dad, I felt better when I left.

My Last Therapy Session?

It’s New Year’s Day now, and my dad hasn’t said a word to any of us all day. Jack locked himself in his room and I sat on the couch and watched TV most of the day. My mom stayed in her study, leaving my dad to play poker and pace the house every once in awhile. I did tell him, though, that this coming Tuesday is my last therapy session and I want to keep seeing Frances. This didn’t get much of a response, but I know he can’t object.

Make Time Stop

I went to my first party since the accident last night. It was a New Year’s Eve party at Christina Noonan’s house. It was also the first time I’ve ever been to the same party as my brother. Ellen, Jason, Seth, Lisa, and Rob went as well. Ellen got a little bit drunk, but I ignored it because after all it is New Year’s and it’s not in the afternoon. Jason’s boyfriend was supposed to come, but he didn’t show up. A few minutes before midnight a few people came up to me and lead me to Christina’s parent’s bedroom, which everyone knew was strictly off limits. I walked into the room to see Jack sitting on the edge of the bed as drunk as I have ever seen him. He tried to say something to me, but between his muttered words, crying, and heavy breathing, I couldn’t understand him. Then I realized what was wrong. Everyone was counting down the seconds left until the New Year, and Jack gasped, Make, time…stop. Make…it stop. Seth, Jason, and Rob carried Jack into Rob’s car. Rob hadn’t drunk anything so he drove Jack and I home. When we walked into the house my parents were standing in the kitchen. Jack told them, We’re drunk, and he passed out.