The Beach

Ellen, Jack, and I went to the beach in the later part of this afternoon. I swam out to the water trampoline, while Ellen stayed and sat on the beach. A few minutes after I reached the trampoline, Jack swam up to it as well and lied down next to me. It was peaceful. Jack and I talked quietly, starting with remembering how our dad once almost drowned, and then how he and I deal with our father differently. Then we started to talk about Cameron, and I asked whether Jack would ever stop being sad. He told me no, but for some reason, this time it was different. Jack didn't yell at me, or swear, or leave when I brought it up, and I knew that with time Jack would accept what I had done. I don't expect him to stop being sad, but it would be nice if he could try and move on and recover on the outside. When Jack and I swam back to the beach I told Ellen that Jack said I was superficial. Instead of sticking up for me like I thought she would, Ellen took my brother's side, and we got into an argument over it. Somehow, the conversation shifted to how I was scared and had been hurt more than Ellen in the accident, because they say it's not healthy that I can't drive, or sleep, or concentrate, or shake, or have fake heart attacks. Ellen says I'm really messed up, and as much as I wanted to not believe her, the words sank into my body, and I knew deep down she couldn't be more right.