Stronger

So I've been using this blog for awhile now, as a way for me to track my progress since the screaming, stopped. Now that I've reached the point in my life where I know I can handle it, I've decided to end my blog. For my last update, though, I thought I'd mention that I still don't have the courage to look at the memorial Web site Jack made for Cameron. The screaming, stopped doesn't bother me like it used to, but I am still sad, and I have realized that this will never go away. It's something that happened and I was involved. I can not change this, and I will never forget that night. This doesn't mean, however, that I need to live the rest of my life paranoid of driving or parties. I wish Cameron was still here, but through this all I've become a stronger person. I know I can handle what is thrown at me; I have learned that.

Waiting For Jack

It's been a few days since I heard Jack crying in the middle of the night. I told him today I think he should do therapy because it's really helped me. He said no, but I think that deep down he wants to. He just doesn't want to admit it. I can't do anything about that though, so I'm just going to have to wait and see.

PB&J

I woke up in the middle of the night last night after I heard Jack crying. I got out of bed and stepped out of my room to see my mom standing with her ear to Jack's door listening to him. We stood there together for a few minutes, listening. Then my mom lead me to the kitchen and she made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We sat there talking for a few minutes and for the first time in a long time I felt like I really connected with my mom, and it felt so nice.

We Have Courage. We Have Power.

It’s June now. I went to Ellen’s house today and ended up giving my sixth bouquet of roses to Jason. As it turned out, my dad’s allergies did start to act up and I’ve been giving the bouquets away for awhile now. I gave them to Jason today because he’s been really down every since he found out Sweatshirt cheated on him with a girl. Ellen can pretty much walk now, she’s certainly not limping as much as she used to. Ellen told me today that she knows I know she made a pass at Jason. She wouldn’t tell me how she found out I know, but I’m guessing Jason said something to her. When I got home from Ellen’s house my mom and dad were yelling at each other in the kitchen. They started counseling together and my dad hates it. Jack and I tried to get a word in about it, but dad just sent us to our rooms. Or tried at least. We didn’t listen; we went to watch TV instead.

Dating Seth

It’s Tuesday evening and I talked a lot about Seth with Frances today. She asked me what a boyfriend is. I didn’t know how to answer this without feeling stupid. After talking to her I realized what it was that made me so hesitant about dating Seth. I didn’t want to be responsible for his happiness. We talked about it for awhile and then I got uncomfortable and somehow we moved onto talking about my dad. I told Frances that I hated him, and it made me feel better. We used the EMDR and I remembered all the times he had been so nice and loving to Jack and I. It brought back peaceful memories, and even though I am still not happy with my dad, I felt better when I left.

My Last Therapy Session?

It’s New Year’s Day now, and my dad hasn’t said a word to any of us all day. Jack locked himself in his room and I sat on the couch and watched TV most of the day. My mom stayed in her study, leaving my dad to play poker and pace the house every once in awhile. I did tell him, though, that this coming Tuesday is my last therapy session and I want to keep seeing Frances. This didn’t get much of a response, but I know he can’t object.

Make Time Stop

I went to my first party since the accident last night. It was a New Year’s Eve party at Christina Noonan’s house. It was also the first time I’ve ever been to the same party as my brother. Ellen, Jason, Seth, Lisa, and Rob went as well. Ellen got a little bit drunk, but I ignored it because after all it is New Year’s and it’s not in the afternoon. Jason’s boyfriend was supposed to come, but he didn’t show up. A few minutes before midnight a few people came up to me and lead me to Christina’s parent’s bedroom, which everyone knew was strictly off limits. I walked into the room to see Jack sitting on the edge of the bed as drunk as I have ever seen him. He tried to say something to me, but between his muttered words, crying, and heavy breathing, I couldn’t understand him. Then I realized what was wrong. Everyone was counting down the seconds left until the New Year, and Jack gasped, Make, time…stop. Make…it stop. Seth, Jason, and Rob carried Jack into Rob’s car. Rob hadn’t drunk anything so he drove Jack and I home. When we walked into the house my parents were standing in the kitchen. Jack told them, We’re drunk, and he passed out.

Ellen's New Year's Resolution

Ellen got back from Florida today. I went over to her house and helped her hang up new clothes she bought in Florida. I told her that I wanted her to make a New Year's Resolution to not drink anymore in the daytime. She told me I'm just scared of everything and didn't want to admit that she knew what she was doing was wrong. After a few minutes of convincing, Ellen promised not to drink anymore in the afternoon. I just hope she can live up to this.

A Dozen Roses

It's Christmas! My Uncle Buck and Aunt Jerry came to our house today. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I overheard my mom and Aunt Jerry talking about how my mom started going to therapy last week. I didn't know this, but when I asked her whether my dad was told this she surprised me by saying, Of course. I didn't see Seth much today because he had to spend today with his family, but he managed to find a few minutes to hand me a long white box. When I opened it I saw a dozen roses and found a card that said I am going to be getting a dozen roses on the first of each month for the next year. It was so sweet. Unfortunately my dad is allergic, so I'm going to have to be careful to make sure his allergies don't kick in.

Drunk.

It's Christmas Eve and Seth, Jason, and I went to the mall today. I told them that Ellen hasn't sounded good when I've talked to her lately. I told them that she always seems to be drunk. Jason said she's seemed down a lot. It's hard enough for me to fully recover myself from the accident, but I feel like it's my responsibility to help Ellen get back to normal as well. I know she drank before the accident but I don't think it's healthy for her right now. I just can't figure out what to do about this.

He's Just Scared

It's the first week of Christmas break! Ellen went back to Florida, Lisa went to Cancún with her family, and Rob is in Chicago. This leaves Seth, Jason, Jack, and I here. Seth came over to my house today. We fooled around in my room for a long time until I started to feel nervous and kicked him out. Just as I did this, I heard my dad walk up the stairs. As Seth walked out the front door my dad began yelling. He asked me what Seth was doing in my room. I told him we didn't do anything. It's a good thing he can't read minds, because I was thinking about how Seth's hand slid up my shirt as I said that. And when he asked again, I remembered Seth's hand and how it slid down my pants just minutes later. My dad continued to yell and then told me, No boys in your room. Period. I immediately regretted my response to this but I just wasn't thinking when I told him that he let Cameron in Jack's room. I felt horrible. I couldn't believe I had said that. I didn't know what to do, so I ran down the stairs, into the garage, and into the Honda. I didn't go anywhere, I just sat there in the garage. I didn't know where I could go. About fifteen minutes after I had gotten into the car, Jack came out of the house and sat down in the car next to me. I apologized for bringing Cameron into my argument and Jack told me, It's because I'm a guy. I didn't understand what he meant at first but he clarified it by saying, I'm not going to be getting pregnant. Jack told me that dad is just scared and we talked about him for a few minutes until Jack's phone rang. He answered and handed the phone to me. It was Ellen asking about Jason's boyfriend. I tried to lie, but I didn't do such a good job; she saw right through it. Ellen started crying and then I heard her take a loud slurp of something. She was drinking. I couldn't believe it! I asked if she was drunk but she denied this, saying she was just having a couple of beers. I asked her where she was and was told she was in her hotel room. Sometime around then, Ellen's phone died and that's how that conversation ended. Then my mom came out of the house and got into the car with me and Jack. She was a mess and even admitted to needing therapy. A few minutes later my dad walked out ranting and raving. He screamed at us, What the hell are you all doing in there?, and for the first time in my life I saw him standing all alone and realized that maybe he is scared.

Emergency Therapy Session

It’s Monday now, and I got out of school this morning to go to therapy. After the testing there had been people screaming, and screaming, and screaming, with excitement and it brought back the screaming, stopped. I had such a hard time getting over this, so my mom called Frances to make an emergency appointment. I told her my negative belief about myself was that I am a killer. Frances thought that I was too hard on myself, so I changed it to I am very, very bad. We used the EMDR and went through the night of the accident. She asked me questions and I answered. It was hard. I was crying and breathing heavily. I remembered all those times I had seen Cameron, and how happy my brother used to be. And just like before, it helped. I walked out of there today feeling sad, but not guilty. I was calm and the screaming, stopped didn’t bother me as much. The repetitive vibrations help me, and I am so thankful my mom convinced my dad to let me go to therapy.

SATs

Today was the day I had been dreading for months now. Testing day. I drove Lisa, Ellen, and Seth. Jason drove himself and showed up a little late with another guy. This other guy had a blue sweatshirt on, with TAYLOR ACADEMY printed on it. This was the guy Jason had been talking to me about the other day. I felt guilty for not telling Ellen, but then again she never said anything to me about the day she got drunk. The testing was hard and I got distracted easily, but I think overall I did alright. Seth told us today that he has now made seven hundred and twenty-one dollars from his ‘Send a dollar’ idea. This surprised me, and for some reason I took pride in his idea too. I hadn’t had anything to do with it, but Seth had told me about it first, and I felt that made me a little responsible for the success. When we finished, Ellen said she was going to have Jason drive her home, and I could see Jason’s panic when she said this. He had driven Sweatshirt here, and Ellen wasn’t supposed to find out about him. I told Ellen she was going with me, and that was the end of the story. She wasn’t happy but she agreed, relieving Jason of his panic.

Patty's Party

Jack and I are starting to talk more. He told me he needed the car to go to his friend’s house and then to a party at Patty’s this weekend. I was surprised and taken aback that he would even consider going to a party now. Lisa had suggested I drive her to Patty’s party when I first told her I could drive again, but I dismissed that idea, thinking about how hard it would be for me and how disrespectful to Jack. I asked him about his feeling on going to a party again, but he got defensive and said he was just considering it. I told him he was allowed to go to a party and that was all I said to him today.

Jason's Significant Other

I had waited a few days to tell everyone else that I could drive again, but I felt sure of it today and so I told everyone. Ellen wasn’t at school when I told Lisa, Jason, and Seth because she had to go back to her doctor and get a shorter cast after all. It sure didn’t take the doctors long to realize she wasn’t wearing the Velcro ski-boot thing like she was supposed to. I brought Seth and Jason home today. After I dropped Seth off, Jason surprised me by saying he had met someone. I knew Jason was talking about a guy, because Jason is gay, and otherwise Ellen would have asked him out awhile ago. He met him online and he goes to Taylor Academy, but that’s all the information I could get out of him. I said Ellen was going to be disappointed, but then realized that Jason didn’t even know she likes him. Well that’s what I thought, but he said he knew since a few weeks ago. I asked what happened and I almost wish I hadn’t. Ellen got drunk in Jason’s room. She made a pass at him. By this time my car was sitting in Jason’s driveway and when Jason tried to tell me more he looked up to see his grandmother standing at his front door. She was yelling something, and when I rolled down my window I understood. She was yelling Bible verses. It was right about then that I remembered that night Jason stole the Bible from the Gersons. I asked him about it, and embarrassed, he told me he was looking up some of the verses his grandmother always quotes. It got quiet and to break the silence I asked him why he wasn’t even trying to be straight. He told me he would love to be, and then he got out of my car and headed into his house.

Ellen Hits Rock Bottom

Mrs. Gerson was a total mess when I went to Ellen's house today. She had stopped smoking over two years ago, but when I walked into her house today was she holding coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She told me that Ellen wouldn't let her near her, and I could see why; Ellen was a disaster. I found her in her bathroom sitting on the toilet seat. She had a sweater and underwear on but that was all. In her left-hand she held a razor, and in the other was shaving cream. The faucet in the bathtub was on, running almost as quickly and smoothly as the tears that were streaming down Ellen's face. When I looked at her leg I could understand why. When she got her cast taken off today, it revealed a now pencil thin leg from the knee down, covered in hair and dandruff. Then I remembered that Ellen was still supposed to have a smaller cast on her leg. Ellen pointed to a Velcro ski-boot sort of thing and told me the doctors decided to put that on instead, because they didn't think it would rub as much, and that way she could take it off to shower and such. I offered to shave Ellen's leg for her, because it didn't look like she was going to even start anytime soon. I helped her shave, redo all the dressing on her leg, put it into the Velcro ski-boot, clean the mess up, and then I told her that I thought I could drive. And so I did. For the first time since the accident, I drove today. Ellen was in the back seat and we went to Top Hats, by request of Ellen.

Starting EMDR

By the end of my session for the day, I learned exactly how EMDR worked. The repetition of vibrations in my hand and the constant, Go with that, Frances was telling me, calmed me. Remembering the night that I killed Cameron had always been hard. Not that it wasn't today, but it just seemed easier having the vibrations as I remembered. They were steady, safe, and reliable. I knew they'd always be there. I could count on that, and it made me feel more in control. So at the end of my session, I was at a zero for how disturbing I found the image of the night at Wayne's party to be. I didn't feel complete control when I walked out of that building today, but I felt comfortable trying to drive again, and that was a huge step for me.

I Am Out of Control

It was a big day for Ellen today! She got her new, short cast put on! I wanted to go with her to her appointment, but I had a therapy session with Frances at that time and neither of the appointment times could be switched. On our way to my therapy, my mom and I talked about my dad. I told her that he needs therapy, that there really is something wrong with him. She blew me off and said something about him being scared, but I quit listening. She didn't understand. So I blamed her for the problem and said that she never does anything to help him. It was hard to tell someone so close to me this, but my dad is frustrating me and something has to change. My mom told me she does the best she can, but somehow I couldn't believe her, and it made me more upset. In therapy today I started EMDR. Frances told me she was going to ask me some questions and I needed to answer with what came to my head first. Then I was told that she would turn the EMDR box on at some point while she asked me these questions. When she turned the buzzers on, I was supposed to think about whatever came to mind, and when she turned them off I was expected to tell her what was going through my mind. Frances told me to think about the night of Wayne's party. My heart started to beat faster and my hands got sweaty just thinking about it. I told her that on a scale of one to ten, where zero was no disturbance and ten was the highest, that I felt like a ten. She asked what negative belief I had about myself and after a few minutes I realized it. I am out of control, I said, and the rest of the session branched off of that.

Studying

Today I went to Ellen's house for our last study session before we take the SAT. Seth told us today that he made three hundred and thirty-six dollars from his 'Send a Dollar' ad already. Ellen thinks it's unethical. I think it's genius, but I won't say that out loud. We were all pretty tired of studying by then, so our study session didn't last long. When I got home Jack was working on another review for his website. He asked if I wanted to look, but I said I needed to study because we hadn't gotten much done at Ellen's. When I said this I never expected much of a reply, but Jack sure gave me one. He started to talk about how hard of a time Cameron used to have with standardized tests. I was completely taken aback by this comment, but we actually started to talk about her for a minute or so; until Jack got mad and told me to leave. It's amazing how open he can be one minute and then so upset the next.

Useless Therapy?

Last night was tough. I woke up with a nightmare, but when I woke up it was different than other times. My dad was at the edge of my bed, upset with me and the "useless therapy sessions". I apologized, but that's not what he wanted to hear. He doesn't understand that I want to get better too. I'm uncomfortable wearing a shield over my eye and I hate not being able to drive. I'm trying to get better, I really am! As he walked out my bedroom door last night, I got something off my chest I've been wanting to say to him for a long time. I looked him straight in the eyes and said, You're not in such great shape either, and it was so nice to finally get those words out of my mouth.

My Safe Place

I went to therapy again today. Frances tried to explain EMDR to me. Somehow it unlocks the nervous system, which helps people with PTSD. Frances showed me a little gray box with two headphones attached. There are also wires that weave into two handles that vibrate in your hand when the box is turned on. The headphones make a light clicking noise alternating from ear to ear. We didn't work or talk about the accident at all today, because Frances said she wanted me to find a safe place and inner resources for me first, if I ever needed them. My safe place is a pink sandy beach. It is a magical place with turquoise waves, it's secluded and I am the only person standing there, in the middle of pink sand, carefree.

Prom Planning Committee

I found out this morning that Jack, Ellen, and my brother's friend Rob signed up to be on the prom planning committee. No one had said anything about it to me at all, which I found to be a little disappointing. Not that I would have been interested anyway. Ellen swears she e-mailed me about it, but I don't think so. During lunch today I hid in the girls' room in the back of the locker room. Everything seemed to be going wrong, and I was upset. Somehow Seth found me in there. He came in and dragged me out toward the side exit to the cafeteria. I remembered what he had said about his "next big thing" that day when we all watched Big at Ellen's house. I asked him about it and he said he put an ad in the classifieds of the newspaper yesterday that said, 'Send a dollar'. He put a post office box address under that and he says he wants to know how many people will actually send money. In biology today Ellen passed me a note asking why I was mad. We argued for a few minutes about why she never told me she signed up for prom committee. Ellen still insisted she told me about it, although she admitted she didn't tell me about Jack because she said she didn't know. Then we talked about how Ellen sort of likes Jason, but he is gay, so so much for that. We continued writing until our teacher caught us passing the note back and forth. She grabbed it from me and moved on.

Counseling

I've been pretty busy with making up school work lately, so I haven't had a chance to write until now, but today was my third day in therapy. My therapist is named Frances and she told me I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm sort of embarrassed to be in therapy. It makes me feel sort of insane. Frances said that the reason Ellen hasn't experienced the nightmares and fake heart attacks I have is that she wasn't driving, and she passed out. Frances reassured me that I'm not crazy or insane or anything like that. Then she explained to me what I can do to treat my PTSD. I can take medication for my anxiety, do something called exposure therapy which puts you in the situations you have been avoiding, and then she told me about EMDR, the treatment she thinks will work the best. I told her I wasn't open to getting into the driver's seat of a car, and then we did a series of exercises that were supposed to help me, but I don't know how.

EMDR

We went to my uncle Buck and aunt Jerry's house for Thanksgiving tonight. My aunt loves dogs and has taken in foster dogs for years now. It bothers my father the most, not that any of the rest of us are all too thrilled with the dogs either. After we ate, I heard my Aunt Jerry explain something called EMDR to my parents. She told them it's a sort of therapy for trauma survivors. This startled me. Am I really a trauma survivor? I hadn't thought of it that way. As has been tradition for years now after we ate, Jack and I went with my Aunt Jerry to the soup kitchen to donate our leftovers from the main meal. My aunt questioned us more than I had been prepared for, although she mostly questioned Jack because she said it's obvious how I'm doing. It was in the car though, that I heard the most comforting words out of Jack since that night. He looked me in the eyes, and told me, You didn't kill Cameron, and that in itself made my day. When we got back to the house and sat down for dessert, we were supposed to say what we were thankful for. My dad went first, saying something about how we have a lot to be thankful for, and then he looked at me and Jack. He couldn't finish his sentence, or start a new one. I've never seen my dad like that before. He was overwhelmed with thoughts of the accident, and it brought back the screaming, stopped, for me.

I'm Home!

I got home from Florida today. On one hand I'm happy to see my parents and friends again, but on the other, I can't imagine how horrible the next few days are going to be at school. Three hours after Jack and I got home, Seth came to visit. He apologized for being an idiot the last time I saw him and then spit out compliment after compliment. He told me he felt bad for me about the accident and then left.

The Beach

Ellen, Jack, and I went to the beach in the later part of this afternoon. I swam out to the water trampoline, while Ellen stayed and sat on the beach. A few minutes after I reached the trampoline, Jack swam up to it as well and lied down next to me. It was peaceful. Jack and I talked quietly, starting with remembering how our dad once almost drowned, and then how he and I deal with our father differently. Then we started to talk about Cameron, and I asked whether Jack would ever stop being sad. He told me no, but for some reason, this time it was different. Jack didn't yell at me, or swear, or leave when I brought it up, and I knew that with time Jack would accept what I had done. I don't expect him to stop being sad, but it would be nice if he could try and move on and recover on the outside. When Jack and I swam back to the beach I told Ellen that Jack said I was superficial. Instead of sticking up for me like I thought she would, Ellen took my brother's side, and we got into an argument over it. Somehow, the conversation shifted to how I was scared and had been hurt more than Ellen in the accident, because they say it's not healthy that I can't drive, or sleep, or concentrate, or shake, or have fake heart attacks. Ellen says I'm really messed up, and as much as I wanted to not believe her, the words sank into my body, and I knew deep down she couldn't be more right.

To Drive? Or Not to Drive? That is the Question!

Last night was the first night we spent here in Florida and I had another nightmare. Once again, it was about the accident. It was so embarrassing! I asked Ellen not to mention anything about it to her parents, and she was more than happy to keep her distance from them. This morning I called my mom. She told me that Seth has been trying desperately to reach me. I told her I just don't pick up my phone when he calls and I asked her to do the same. Early in the afternoon Ellen asked me if I would take her for a drive. She hasn't been able to drive since the accident but I didn't want to drive, because it's been a nerve-wracking experience for me ever since, well, I killed Cameron. I told her I felt sick. I told her this several times, and when she realized I really meant it I could see her face drop with disappointment.

Florida

It's been a week now since I last wrote, and Thanksgiving is in five days. I'm not really sure what Mrs. Gerson told my parents about my nightmare, but somehow it convinced them to allow Jack and I to go with Ellen, Mr. and Mrs. Gerson to Florida "to get away and recuperate". I'm in the hotel room that Ellen and I are sharing, using Jack's laptop to write this. Jack got his own room. We are left on our own for most of the day, and truthfully it is quite refreshing. Jack, Ellen, and I were hanging out at the pool this afternoon when Jack mentioned his memorial link for Cameron. I felt a bit ashamed because I haven't had the courage to go on to the site. Ellen, on the other hand, had left a very nice post according to Jack.

And Getting Closer

I went to Ellen's house yesterday to watch movies with her, Seth, Jason, and Lisa. We watched the movie Big, but Ellen didn't pay any attention to it at all, and Jason got up halfway through and went looking through Ellen's bookshelves. I didn't think the movie was all that bad but then again, I sat next to Seth and he kept his arm around me the whole time! When the movie ended, I walked Seth out to his car. He surprised me and leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away, unsure of why, but confident in my choice. Seth was obviously hurt, and he asked why I followed him to the car anyway. That's when I told him that I liked him, but I was just having a tough time dealing with things since the night of Wayne's party. I got kind of upset with him because he asked if I saw Cameron that night, it was like asking if I did it purposely. I blew up at him and went back into Ellen's house, leaving Seth in his car. By that time everyone else had left and Ellen and I set up our sleeping bags in her room. As we did so, Ellen told me that Jason had been reading the Bible when everyone else was watching the movie, and she claims he took it with him when he left. After a few quiet minutes, Ellen broke the silence by asking if Seth and I had had a fight. I wouldn't have answered just anyone about this, but Ellen has a way with getting things out of me. I told her we had fought about the accident, and to my surprise she apologized. She apologized for passing out. She apologized for leaving me on my own. She apologized for being so drunk. Then we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. The accident, Ellen passing out on top of me, the screaming, stopped, it all came back to me. Mrs. Gerson came into Ellen's room and woke me up. I guess I was screaming and twisting and turning in my sleep. Mrs. Gerson told me I needed to take a bath and relax, but Ellen vetoed this saying I was fine. Ellen's mom turned to look at both me and Ellen and said, You are not okay. And neither are you. Neither of you is okay.

Getting Close to Seth

I went to Ellen's house to study for the SATs today. We tried to find a creative way to study so every time we go over a word, we make up a sentence using it and then write it on Ellen's cast. I had to leave early though, because my mom called me to say I needed to get someone to drive me home to pick up our Audi, so that I could drive it to the car dealer and pick my dad and her up from there. Apparently, the car dealership gave the new Honda we were going to buy today to someone else. Seth offered me a ride home, and I was thankful. I've been wanting to spend some more time with him alone. We start by talking about his "next big thing," whatever that may be. Then out of the blue he startled me and told me he's been wanting to kiss me lately. It was about this time that we pulled into my driveway. I asked him why he liked me, but he said he didn't have one specific reason. As I got out of the car, he told me to lean down. I did, and he kissed my left, unhurt, eye. I said nothing, but got out of the car shaking and walked into our garage. I got into the Audi and drove to the end of our block before I just had to pull over. I felt like I had in the hallway with Ellen and the balloons again, the sickening heart attack feeling. I called 911 and got out of the car, falling onto the pavement. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital, and my parents got a ride home to meet Jack. By the time my family made it over to the hospital I was okay, and they took me home.

Ellen Returns to School

It's Monday night now, sixteen days since the accident. I went to the doctor again yesterday, and he had good news. The blood that had been in my eye was gone and the tear that was left was tiny, making it basically healed! Ellen has gone back to school now and Jason, Sleev-eth, Lisa, and I take turns helping Ellen get to her classes okay. It was my turn before sixth period today, and I was pushing Ellen's wheelchair down the hallway when we decided to stop and pop the helium balloons Lisa had tied to Ellen's wheelchair. They seemed to be getting caught on random things in the hallway, popping, and scaring us, so we thought popping them all at once would be a good idea. Ellen popped all but the last one, which I asked her if I could pop. She didn't care, but when I did the sound startled me, and I found myself gasping for air, and I felt like I was going to throw up, and I could have sworn I was having a heart attack. My biology teacher walked by as I had what I'm now calling a panic attack. My teacher called Ellen's mom and then mine, and it was decided that for the health of both of us we needed to go home. We did, and when Jack got home from school, he told me that Jason and Seth explained to him our incident. He also mentioned that they seemed worried and concerned about me. Then Jack did something I would have never expected. He invited me to go to Top Hats with him! I agreed, and we went to the diner together. While sitting there with him, I tried to explain myself, but he didn't want to hear it. We got into an argument over it and got into the car. He didn't know where he was going, and he didn't care. He pulled up to a pump at a gas station shouting, I'm fucking sad! Do you understand?. With that he got out of the car and started walking. I ran after him, and slowly convinced him to come with me.

Ellen's Back From the Hospital!

Its Saturday morning now, and I have news about Ellen!!! She returned home from the hospital! I went over to her house yesterday evening, and helped her adjust to the new atmosphere. I suggested we call Jason, Lisa, and Sleev-eth but she shot that idea down fast, and no wonder; Ellen fell asleep minutes later. I left and went straight home to bed soon after that, but I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was in the accident again. The screaming, stopped, ran through my head again and I woke up to my dad yelling at me to wake up. After a few minutes of reassurance from my family that I was alright, Jack brought me a glass of water and I went back to bed. Before I could fall asleep though, my mind replayed years and years of memories of Jack. Tears streamed down my face as I remembered what I had done to him. I killed his girlfriend, and he might never forgive me. I cried myself back to sleep.

Jack's Website

What I didn't mention earlier is how much my brother enjoys writing movie reviews for his website, Rosebud Is a Sled. He designed it last year, and has spent all his free time improving it since then. So I didn't find it surprising that he was back from California, sitting on his bed writing a review when I got home from school this afternoon. I asked how her funeral went, and got a simple, Not what I expected, then his eyes went back to the computer screen. I could tell it wasn't worth my time asking anything else.

Now What?

Eleven days and counting since I killed Cameron. This afternoon I tried to study for my biology quiz tomorrow, but I just couldn't focus. My mind kept wandering and I wound up thinking about Ellen, my eye, the counseling I apparently need, and oh, the fact that I killed someone! I gave up on the studying when I realized it just wasn't working, and went to talk to Jack. As much as I wanted the words to come out of my mouth, I couldn't explain the night of Wayne's party to him. The pain I felt, the screaming, stopped, it all came back to me. I went to my room to google sites on dying. I didn't find the kind of site I was looking for, though. What I really wanted was to find out what to do when you're the one who has killed someone.

Counseling?

It's now been ten days since the accident, making it a Tuesday evening. I called Ellen again today at lunch and left another long message. Lisa gave me trouble about calling Ellen so much, but Jason stuck up for me and I had decided to call anyway. When I got home after school today, my mother told me that the social worker at the hospital had suggested our family get some counseling. My dad heard this and was against it immediately. My mother, on the other hand, was completely for the idea. I was stuck in the middle. Not knowing what to say, I told my mom I didn't care too much what I did, and then I went into our family room to watch TV. As I was watching an old rerun of some sitcom I can never seem to remember the name of, my cell phone rang. It was Ellen! This was the first time I talked to her since that night. We talked for a few minutes before Ellen fell asleep while still on the phone. Even though it was only a few minutes, I felt so much better having talked to someone who knew what I was going through.

Back to School

Okay, so it's been awhile since I wrote last, and it's now Monday. I went back to school today. I had visited the doctor last Friday and was told although I still need to wear the shield over my eye, it is not required that I stay home. My brother came back last Thursday, and on Friday the school had an assembly in honor of Cameron. It was announced then that her funeral is taking place in California, and there have been rumors floating around that this is because her parents don't want to stay where she was killed. I saw Jason and Lisa for the first time since the accident today. Lisa asked about a memorial site my brother is organizing, but I couldn't answer. Jason asked about my eye. Then as Seth (Sleev-eth) walked up to me, Jason told me that Seth had given up alcohol altogether since the night of Wayne's party. After school, Jason gave me a ride home, and as I walked into our house, I saw that a suitcase was packed and waiting by the door. When my mother saw how puzzled I looked, she told me that Jack was going to California for Cameron's funeral. He tells me, Take care, Anna, and leaves. The sinking feeling I got when I heard the screaming, stopped, and when I heard all the tubes Ellen was hooked up to, and when I remembered Cameron, came back.

Calling Ellen

It's now Tuesday evening and I just called Ellen. She didn't answer. I really hadn't expected her to. I left a message updating her on what has happened to everyone since the accident. I knew I didn't have a good reason to do this, because Ellen was perfectly capable of listening to her parents and the doctors. The real reason I called was just to hear her comforting voice on the answering machine.

Jack

After this my mom took me out to eat lunch, and I started to feel a little better. Not that it mattered though, because everything was lost when I got home and saw Jack for the first time since...well... since I killed his girlfriend. Jack just looked at me at first. His eyes were like icicles, cold and unforgiving. My teeth were chattering, and I was scared. I never meant to hurt anyone. All he said to me was, I'm glad you're okay, and then he turned to watch TV. I don't know if he understands that I liked Cameron and had grown close to her. She was almost like an older sister to me, someone I, too, enjoyed being with.

Hyphema

It's Monday evening now, and my parents let me sleep in today. It has been two nights now since I killed somebody. We went to an ophthalmologist, or in simpler terms a doctor that specializes in eyes, today. He told my mother and I that I have a hyphema, which he believed came from the air bag. After going to the doctor, my mom brought me to the hospital to visit Ellen. Her mother, Mrs. Gerson, told me how awful the shield I now have to wear over my eye is. She also told me how thankful she is that I'm all right. Ellen's parents told me that Ellen had a tube in her mouth to help her breath, one in her chest to reinflate her lung, an IV for antibiotics, an IV for pain, a catheter to help her pass water, and a cast on her leg. My stomach sunk, and once again I felt guilt. I must have apologized six times to Ellen's parents when Mrs. Gerson told me what Cameron had been doing in my lane. There had been a tree branch in her way and she swerved to avoid it. Instead she hit me. I panicked, not knowing how to respond to this. Breathing heavily, I managed to spit out the first thing I could think of. I informed Mr. and Mrs. Gerson that although their daughter had an extremely high blood-alcohol content, she did not have a drinking problem. I proceeded to ramble on about how Ellen doesn't always drink, and she never does drugs, and she has never had an addiction to anything. After they saw the pain it took me to say these things, I was let into Ellen's hospital room. She looked as dirty and uncomfortable as she had before. I told her about my being excused from school and the shield I am required to wear. When I remembered that Ellen couldn't talk anyway because of the tube in her mouth I grabbed a sheet of paper, and announced to her my plan to write an apology letter to Cameron's family. I wanted to get my feelings down on paper that could be read by others, and I wanted Cameron's family to realize that what I had done I was sincerely sorry for, and I needed them to know that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt Cameron. I wanted to write so badly, but I couldn't bring my pen to my paper. My hand shook, my eyes watered (which wasn't good because apparently that doesn't help my hyphema), and the screaming, stopped ran through my head again. I couldn't do it.

What Actually Happened

Later that day a nurse explained to me what I would need to do to heal my eye, and then I was told I could leave the hospital with my parents. On our way out I visited Ellen. I didn't have much time to talk to her because I was kicked out by a nurse, but it was long enough to see the pain she must have been experiencing. She looked horrible and it was evident she didn't feel much better. I told her I killed Cameron Polk, then left. After leaving Ellen, I ran into my dad for the first time since the accident. He didn't seem to care too much about the car, which surprised me. He was concerned about me, as well as my brother Jack, who had lost the one person he had grown so close to. On the way home I asked if the accident was my fault. Instead of giving me a real yes or no answer, I was told that she was on my side of the street. My dad asked if I was speeding, and then told me that my blood-alcohol level was under the legal limit, but that Ellen's was three times the limit. I wanted a straight answer, so I asked again whether I was to blame for Cameron's death. My mother told me no, that she had been in my lane.

The Following Day

When I woke up I was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by a nurse and my mother. I asked my mother about Ellen and learned that she had a collapsed lung and some broken bones. What felt like days to me was really only hours, as it was five thirty in the morning of that same night the screaming, stopped occurred. My mother told me that unlike Ellen, I did not break any bones, but I did injure my eye. Later in the day my mother asked me if I remembered the accident and if I knew that another car had been involved. I went through the disaster in my head, and recalled the screaming had stopped. Instantly I realized what the "stopped" meant. Whoever had been screaming was now gone, forever. What I learned after was more hurtful and upsetting than anything I'd heard before. The driver of that other car was my own brother's girlfriend, Cameron Polk.

After...

I haven't completely processed what I did last night, but I know I killed her. I killed Cameron. Cameron Polk, the most looked up to, popular, smart, classy, girl at our school. Dead. Killed. Gone. I killed my brother's girlfriend. Let me go back to the beginning of last night, when we got to Wayne's. There was music playing on both the first and third floor. We walked past Jason. He's in our history class and Ellen has a huge crush on him. We followed him to a second floor bedroom, and Lisa and Seth were already there. I found out quickly that the only reason Sleev-eth knows who I am is through my brother. Everyone knows (or I guess knew) Cameron and who she spent time with. Sleev-eth just associated me with Cameron is all. Anyway, after I got over the fact that he knows my name, Sleev-eth offered me a whiskey, then went on to ask if he could pull a curl in my hair. I can never understand why people are so fascinated with my hair. It's copper-colored corkscrew hair. So, so ugly! Okay, back to my point, Sleev-eth pulled my hair, I smiled, then drank some more. Then, I'm not sure how it happened, but I wound up playing pool in Wayne's basement with Ellen, Seth, Lisa, Jason, and a few other people. By this time I had already been drunk for awhile, thought I was going to puke, but recovered, and felt better. Ellen is a different story though, she can't even hold her pool cue. It's right about then that I realized we were way past our curfew. Since I'm always the designated driver and I could tell Ellen was in no state of mind to drive, I pulled my teeny glow-in-the-dark planet Earth keychain out of my pocket. Ellen gave it to me when I got my learner's permit saying, Now you've got the world at your fingertips. Ellen and I made our way to the Honda, and were driving home as Ellen felt more and more sick. She turned on the radio, I heard an old U2 song, and the next thing I knew she was in my lap, covered in blood, dust and chips of glass and plastic flying around, and then the sound of someone screaming and screaming and screaming. My door went flying open and I fell out of the car with Ellen following on top of me. I could still hear the screaming and screaming and screaming, and then it stopped. I didn't think anything of this then. Instead I threw up on myself and Ellen. I heard a siren and a man approached us.

Before...

I'm at Ellen's house right now, getting ready for a party at Wayne's house in a little bit. I just called my friend Lisa to see if she if she's going to be there. This guy named Seth, I call him Sleev-eth because he wears this sleeve thing that looks sort of like a glove/long sock that fits all the way to your elbow, answered the phone. Amazing as it is, he knows my name! Besides the sleeve, he's pretty cute. Anyway, he gave the phone to Lisa, and it turns out she is going to the party, and is bringing beer. I don't like to drink that much, because if my father ever caught me I'd be dead. I always drive, as Ellen enjoys getting drunk. I'm not too excited about going, but I don't tell Ellen this. It took me long enough to get to her house, and I wasn't going to go home to my angry father this soon. I hadn't raked the leaves in the front yard yet, and I had no intentions of doing it in the dark when I was already running late to get to Ellen's. My father yelled at me, insisting I pick up each leaf individually. Instead of listening, I got in the car and drove here in tears.